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The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere,bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.

Nabisco

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Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself.

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I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

Ellen DeGeneres