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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

Steven Wright

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I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

Elayne Boosler

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Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana...The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.

Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22.