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""My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"--Paula Poundstone "

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"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."

Elayne Boosler

Who's the black private dick that's a sex machine with all the chicks?

Bart

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Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana...The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.

Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22.

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I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece

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I have such poor vision I can date anybody.

Garry Shandling

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Sky King

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.unknown

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

unknown

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