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I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

Ellen DeGeneres

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I have such poor vision I can date anybody.

Garry Shandling

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"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post."

Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island